Part IV: Dear Boys

Dear Lukas and Ezra,

I love you more than I love life itself. You both have been huge blessings to my life. I am so very grateful to be your “Momma”. I’m not perfect but I try my best every single day to be the best mother I can be but I failed you both tremendously this year. 

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I am so sorry. One of my jobs is to protect you and that includes who I allow in our lives. I made a mistake but I hope how I corrected is what’s most important. I thought of you both with every reaction and held my head high. I am proud and hope you both will be as well. Right now you both are too young but know I will always be honest. I will never hide the truth in fear history will repeat. You both will be better. 

You both will always be my babies but I will not baby you. I will always love you but I will not turn a blind eye when you’re wrong. I will always stand beside you but I will not make excuses for you. I will lead by example in my character and faith. 

Sweet boys, don’t fall into the worlds trap of telling you to be less of a man than you are. Stand tall and be strong. It matters how you treat others. It matters how well you love others. Respect, honesty, integrity, and faith matter. If I don’t do anything else as a mother, I want you to know that. I love you both more than you will ever know. 

Xoxx, 

Momma

Part III: Dear Kisty

I loved you like a sister. I still do. I will never forget seeing your name. I literally couldn’t breathe. The wind was literally knocked out of me and I immediately started sobbing. I couldn’t wrap my head around that you would do this to me. I’ve know you since elementary school and our friendship is literally two decades strong or so I thought. Lukas came downstairs to see what was wrong because he’s never seen his Momma uncontrollably sob but I didn’t even have the words. I sobbed for my broken home, our broken friendship and most of all for our sweet babies who love each other so much.

You came over almost weekly. You held Ezra days after he was born. You were welcomed in my home and in our lives. Now I wonder about those smoke breaks and jokes at my baby shower. I couldn’t fathom why you would throw that all away for a fling. I’m calling it that because there was no talk of a future but quick fixes and the thrill of avoiding getting caught. I couldn’t believe even on the night of our highschool ten year reunion.

I immediately Face Timed you because I wanted you to look me in the eye when I asked you. I wanted to see your face as you told me you were romantically involved with my boyfriend and father of my child. My heart broke more when you gave excuses and tried to justify how far or how far you didn’t take it. I saw the drunk text along with the sober ones. I saw the cute nicknames and plans. The planning around my schedule & the lack of care for me broke me to pieces.

What baffled me more was the already weird connection we all had. Your other best friend dated Ben before me. When we started dating, she was FURIOUS and reached out to me more times than I can count. Man if I had only believed her then.  I understand her so much more now. And to add to the craziness, another one of your friends was also one of the many while we lived together THIS year. I’m blown away by the manipulation and narcissist tendencies which you now know all too well.

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I want you to know more than anything that I forgive you and despite it all I love you. I am so sad that you thought that was your worth. You are worth more than late night texts while I was sleeping and quick hook ups. You are worth more than dirty talk and dirty pictures for a quick fix. You deserve so much more than being used and tossed aside like trash. We can learn from our mistakes but we have to also own them & our responsibility which I’m also doing. I wanted you to know that because I know self forgiveness can be hard. I wish you and that sweet mini me well from the bottom of my heart.

In love,

Shaina 

Part II: Dear Ben

Dear Ben,

I’ve taken the last few months to process and heal. I gave you five + years of my life and two children even though I only got to hold one. I’ve been faithful, I’ve supported you, encouraged you, kept your darkest secrets, stood by you through your darkest hours, endless struggles and forgave you over and over. Never in my wildest dream would I ever think that I meant absolutely nothing to you. My world came crashing down in August when I saw who you really were for the very first time. I finally saw that you didn’t want to be better, you were okay with you were and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The cheating was enough to leave but on top of that was the way you spoke about me and the boys which is the part a lot of people don’t know. I saw you refer to me as the “colored girl you knocked up” or a bitch as I was literally giving birth to your son. You said you hated me. You said you literally never had any good intention with me which blew my mind. You bragged about how long you’ve been doing this to me and others and how good you are at it. You said that you could do whatever to me because I was so nice and you didn’t have to worry because “even if she finds out everything she will still take care of Ezra and I won’t have to worry.” That was the hardest pill to swallow because although you’ve made mistakes as everyone does, I didn’t think it was intentional. I genuinely thought you were trying.

Earlier this year is the best example. In February while looking for houses, you cheated and I shouldn’t have gone through with it. I take responsibility for that decision but you begged and cried because you said you wanted your family and loved me BUT in the same breath texted those women to not worry about me and bragged again how you manipulated the people around you. I mean as you are melting down in front of your mother and pregnant girlfriend you sent those text. I have endless examples like that. 

You take pride in manipulating people especially woman and for some reason some people who love you make excuses for you. Just because you had a bad experience in high school or lost someone does NOT give you the right to mistreat people and be a bad person. You have a security blanket of excuses and somehow get away with playing off your bad character. You do just enough to keep your tight circle trusting that you want to do better. I can’t believe I never saw it. Your entire reputation even a decade before you met me is who you are today but worse. It broke my heart even more to know that people who know you and your closest friends just expect this behavior from you. Is this the legacy you want to leave for your son?

You are not sorry. You have not apologized to me once but only to the people you think you can continue to fool. I was already shocked but i was even more caught off guard at your reaction and how you treated me after the fact. You were rude, didn’t care, blamed ME,  insisted we all get our “shit”, not scratch your “fucking floors” and literally threw all my belongings out for me to pick up off the ground. Even now it’s hard typing that after giving so much to you. What hit me the most is when you said, with us gone you could finally focus on yourself and what you wanted to do. You even went out that night and continue to live without responsibility.

I put up with emotional and physical abuse, cheating, controlling behavior, alcoholism, and so much more but never again.

I want you to know that you did not break me. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am an amazing mother and I deserve better than what you gave me. My boys deserve better than what you showed them. I’m free from pouring love into someone who never loved me. I have not let you affect how hard I love but you have made me be even more intentional with my love. I am also more intentional with the boys. Someone told me to be careful about what I tell and put out there for the boys but I decided lying and sheltering then will not help them. I will be honest with them and they will know how you have behaved and treat people is not okay. History will not repeat itself. Out of darkness, can come light.

The light is that even with over a decade of being who you are, you CAN change but you have to be the one who wants it. I pray every day that your heart will soften and you’ll face who you are. I pray that you become the man you pretend to be.

In love,

Shaina

I let the same person break my heart three times. (Part I)

Buckle up buttercup. I usually like to keep my blog post short and sweet but sometimes short and sweet just doesn’t do a story justice. I decided do a four part series instead.

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I want to start by saying that there are several reasons I’m sharing but one being writing has always been my outlet. I literally have journals going back to second grade. I encourage anyone who is processing something to write it down. Even if you just tear it up, it’s healing. Another reason I’m sharing is in hope that I won’t make the same mistakes and that other people can learn from my mistakes. Here we go.

Lets rewind five years. YES five years. It seems like such a short time and eternity at the same exact time.

Take one. If I could sum this one up in one word it would be infatuation. My first red flags were girls he referred to as crazy that reached out to me when we started dating. (Fast forward to now and I know they indeed were NOT crazy but warning me). Another red flag during this time was being choked in public in a room full of people. You read that correctly. I have dozens of WTF moments I could tell you. The middle of those red flags was “good”, uneventful I would say but ended because (I bet you could guess this) he cheated with multiple people.

Take two. I’ll save you the trouble of reading but it began with endless apologies & it ended with me going to visit & finding condoms.

Take three. 2018. Communication started back through something SO simple. A haircut. I know now (and I knew then), that was just a way in. Fast forward to the news of Ezra and I was totally prepared to coparent. He immediately was set on a family and begged. I wasn’t sold and decided to see through his actions whether the last two times were just a case of being young and dumb or who he was choosing to be. After a few months of consistency, I thought we are older now and maybe this change is genuine because this is not the easy route. I know that people can change and everyone makes mistakes. I’m not dumb and there was a pattern here so before we went any further we had several conversations about the future. We talked about all the options including coparenting. We also just talked about what we were each looking for and he insisted he had always loved me and wanted nothing more than to have a family with me. I even flat out asked if he was looking for an open relationship. I was naive in that I thought if given the opportunity everyone would be honest.

I believed whole heartedly that although not perfect, progress was being made. What was happening was smoke and mirrors to pretend true change was occurring. From the very moment I said yes, there was never any REAL intent to be better. I saw that in everything I found. It literally knocked the wind out of me. Not just the cheating but the absolute disrespect for me and my family. (I’ll share more of this in Part 2) Every single great memory I had including our move, making our house a home and the birth of our son was something he didn’t want to be a part of. I literally saw message after message saying just that. It was so heartbreaking and I felt like memories and time had been stolen from me.

I’m sure you’re thinking, why would I give him so many chances? I have asked myself that so many times. I have always believed and still do believe that there is good in everyone but I think what I failed to realize is that they doesn’t mean everyone WANTS to do good. The end this time is what opened my eyes to that reality. I got to see first hand the person in all those messages. There was absolutely NO remorse whatsoever but anger, arrogance and complete disregard for anyone else. The first reactions were that we were never a family, he could now focus on his career and going out that very night. There was no apology to me but apologies to others for letting them down. Sometimes it takes a while to see but “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

My unhealthy thoughts have been, what did I do to deserve this? What did I do to make him want to do this to me? Have I ruined my life? Luckily, I’m in a healthy place to quiet those voices that tell me I did something wrong. This has been a pattern in the making for over a decade long before I was in the picture. I deserve better. My boys deserve better. I did nothing to cause this. My life is not ruined and the best is yet to come. My boys and I will be okay. I will move forward with lessons, not regrets.

It was never about love but always about control. There wasn’t one time in the last five years that I actually had a partner. I know through sharing parts of my story that I’m not alone. Sharing can help us let go in some ways and connect with each other. I’ve talked to women who have been victimized by the same exact man, women who have dealt with similar relationships and women still in relationships like this. My advice would be to know your worth, don’t make excuses for yourself or anyone, and don’t be ashamed to see a counselor. Be a light even in darkness and don’t allow others to steal your joy. Tell your truth even when it hurts. You are NOT alone. We accept the love we think we deserve. And YOU deserve better. Nothing will change until you truly believe that. If you’d like to hear more or need a ear, lets chat!

XoXX

Fall in love with your hair!

Fall is here! (Even though it still feels like summer.) Just like skin, hair needs different things during different seasons. Hair tends to be dryer during the color and a lot of people choose to go darker in the winter but even if you’re blonde 365 these three tips will still come in handy!

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  1. Invest in a color safe shampoo. I’m not trying to sell you a brand or telling you to get the most expensive shampoo you can find BUT that five dollar shampoo you picked up on your last Walmart run is not going to cut it, haha. Fortunately for us there are TONS of affordable brands that actually care what we use on our bodies.

  2. Don’t forget your ends! Summer is harsh on them and even an half of inch to an inch can make you feel like you have a new head of hair.

  3. Keep your skin tone in mind. Don’t pick a color or tone just because someone else looks great in it. Cool AND warm tones are beautiful! Look for someone with a similar skin tone or just ask your stylist!

Those are three easy tips to remember as the weather cools off! Happy Hair!

XoXX