I want to start by saying that there are several reasons I’m sharing but one being writing has always been my outlet. I literally have journals going back to second grade. I encourage anyone who is processing something to write it down. Even if you just tear it up, it’s healing. Another reason I’m sharing is in hope that I won’t make the same mistakes and that other people can learn from my mistakes. Here we go.
Lets rewind five years. YES five years. It seems like such a short time and eternity at the same exact time.
Take one. If I could sum this one up in one word it would be infatuation. My first red flags were girls he referred to as crazy that reached out to me when we started dating. (Fast forward to now and I know they indeed were NOT crazy but warning me). Another red flag during this time was being choked in public in a room full of people. You read that correctly. I have dozens of WTF moments I could tell you. The middle of those red flags was “good”, uneventful I would say but ended because (I bet you could guess this) he cheated with multiple people.
Take two. I’ll save you the trouble of reading but it began with endless apologies & it ended with me going to visit & finding condoms.
Take three. 2018. Communication started back through something SO simple. A haircut. I know now (and I knew then), that was just a way in. Fast forward to the news of Ezra and I was totally prepared to coparent. He immediately was set on a family and begged. I wasn’t sold and decided to see through his actions whether the last two times were just a case of being young and dumb or who he was choosing to be. After a few months of consistency, I thought we are older now and maybe this change is genuine because this is not the easy route. I know that people can change and everyone makes mistakes. I’m not dumb and there was a pattern here so before we went any further we had several conversations about the future. We talked about all the options including coparenting. We also just talked about what we were each looking for and he insisted he had always loved me and wanted nothing more than to have a family with me. I even flat out asked if he was looking for an open relationship. I was naive in that I thought if given the opportunity everyone would be honest.
I believed whole heartedly that although not perfect, progress was being made. What was happening was smoke and mirrors to pretend true change was occurring. From the very moment I said yes, there was never any REAL intent to be better. I saw that in everything I found. It literally knocked the wind out of me. Not just the cheating but the absolute disrespect for me and my family. (I’ll share more of this in Part 2) Every single great memory I had including our move, making our house a home and the birth of our son was something he didn’t want to be a part of. I literally saw message after message saying just that. It was so heartbreaking and I felt like memories and time had been stolen from me.
I’m sure you’re thinking, why would I give him so many chances? I have asked myself that so many times. I have always believed and still do believe that there is good in everyone but I think what I failed to realize is that they doesn’t mean everyone WANTS to do good. The end this time is what opened my eyes to that reality. I got to see first hand the person in all those messages. There was absolutely NO remorse whatsoever but anger, arrogance and complete disregard for anyone else. The first reactions were that we were never a family, he could now focus on his career and going out that very night. There was no apology to me but apologies to others for letting them down. Sometimes it takes a while to see but “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
My unhealthy thoughts have been, what did I do to deserve this? What did I do to make him want to do this to me? Have I ruined my life? Luckily, I’m in a healthy place to quiet those voices that tell me I did something wrong. This has been a pattern in the making for over a decade long before I was in the picture. I deserve better. My boys deserve better. I did nothing to cause this. My life is not ruined and the best is yet to come. My boys and I will be okay. I will move forward with lessons, not regrets.
It was never about love but always about control. There wasn’t one time in the last five years that I actually had a partner. I know through sharing parts of my story that I’m not alone. Sharing can help us let go in some ways and connect with each other. I’ve talked to women who have been victimized by the same exact man, women who have dealt with similar relationships and women still in relationships like this. My advice would be to know your worth, don’t make excuses for yourself or anyone, and don’t be ashamed to see a counselor. Be a light even in darkness and don’t allow others to steal your joy. Tell your truth even when it hurts. You are NOT alone. We accept the love we think we deserve. And YOU deserve better. Nothing will change until you truly believe that. If you’d like to hear more or need a ear, lets chat!