Part III: Dear Kisty

I loved you like a sister. I still do. I will never forget seeing your name. I literally couldn’t breathe. The wind was literally knocked out of me and I immediately started sobbing. I couldn’t wrap my head around that you would do this to me. I’ve know you since elementary school and our friendship is literally two decades strong or so I thought. Lukas came downstairs to see what was wrong because he’s never seen his Momma uncontrollably sob but I didn’t even have the words. I sobbed for my broken home, our broken friendship and most of all for our sweet babies who love each other so much.

You came over almost weekly. You held Ezra days after he was born. You were welcomed in my home and in our lives. Now I wonder about those smoke breaks and jokes at my baby shower. I couldn’t fathom why you would throw that all away for a fling. I’m calling it that because there was no talk of a future but quick fixes and the thrill of avoiding getting caught. I couldn’t believe even on the night of our highschool ten year reunion.

I immediately Face Timed you because I wanted you to look me in the eye when I asked you. I wanted to see your face as you told me you were romantically involved with my boyfriend and father of my child. My heart broke more when you gave excuses and tried to justify how far or how far you didn’t take it. I saw the drunk text along with the sober ones. I saw the cute nicknames and plans. The planning around my schedule & the lack of care for me broke me to pieces.

What baffled me more was the already weird connection we all had. Your other best friend dated Ben before me. When we started dating, she was FURIOUS and reached out to me more times than I can count. Man if I had only believed her then.  I understand her so much more now. And to add to the craziness, another one of your friends was also one of the many while we lived together THIS year. I’m blown away by the manipulation and narcissist tendencies which you now know all too well.

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I want you to know more than anything that I forgive you and despite it all I love you. I am so sad that you thought that was your worth. You are worth more than late night texts while I was sleeping and quick hook ups. You are worth more than dirty talk and dirty pictures for a quick fix. You deserve so much more than being used and tossed aside like trash. We can learn from our mistakes but we have to also own them & our responsibility which I’m also doing. I wanted you to know that because I know self forgiveness can be hard. I wish you and that sweet mini me well from the bottom of my heart.

In love,

Shaina